Nouveau Grand Tour Residency - Palazzo Butera - October 2024
A year has passed since I graduated, and I continue to live without my own house. I am enjoying the nomadic lifestyle, moving often and frequently finding myself sleeping and living in bizarre situations. I am now staying at Palazzo Butera, a rather magnificent palace in the heart of Palermo, which is quite the upgrade from my previous dwelling of a tent in my friend's garden in Eindhoven.
My journey to Italy was a wonderful adventure. A four day hitchhike from the Netherlands to Italy, followed by an overnight boat from Genova to Palermo. Hitchhiking is an unpredictable mode of transport, but one I find most magical. Uncertainty is a loud undercurrent of the hitching experience. With no ability to predict who i will meet or where i will be, one must rely significantly on trust and intuition. When guided by this kind of deep listening, I often seem to find myself in the most intensely beautiful and unique experiences. Of course, It has also led to extremely uncomfortable, stressful and occasionally scary situations. For me, these contrasting moments serve as an opportunity to train my ability to be present and embrace challenges that arise in my life. In a sense, hitching for me is a meditation, a practice of welcoming both the painful and the wonderful.
And so, my journey to Italy was just this, a meditation. I crossed paths with many kind strangers and magnificent landscapes as I moved away from the rains of the Netherlands, through the forests of Germany, over the mountains of Switzerland, and finally found myself in the hot glow of Sicily.
I am staying at Palazzo Butera for the month of October. I have been here for 7 days now, and in this time I have explored(some) of the city, and been equally overwhelmed and excited by the lively nature of the city. The palace feels like a sanctuary amongst the volume of Palermo.
I came to Palazzo Butera without a specific goal and outcome in mind, instead choosing to allow my research to emerge, guided by my experiences and connections. Since arriving a week ago, I have been observing and documenting the space and the lives the palace holds, mainly through writing, drawing and painting. I have also been experimenting with ways of visualising my journey to Italy, developing ways of storytelling that share multiple story lines at once. I find it interesting to try to combine the stories of both the journey and of the destination into one form. It feels very special to be in such a lively environment, surrounded by a vast array of art works. I'm curious to see how my work develops over the following weeks.
A year has passed since I graduated, and I continue to live without my own house. I am enjoying the nomadic lifestyle, moving often and frequently finding myself sleeping and living in bizarre situations. I am now staying at Palazzo Butera, a rather magnificent palace in the heart of Palermo, which is quite the upgrade from my previous dwelling of a tent in my friend's garden in Eindhoven.
My journey to Italy was a wonderful adventure. A four day hitchhike from the Netherlands to Italy, followed by an overnight boat from Genova to Palermo. Hitchhiking is an unpredictable mode of transport, but one I find most magical. Uncertainty is a loud undercurrent of the hitching experience. With no ability to predict who i will meet or where i will be, one must rely significantly on trust and intuition. When guided by this kind of deep listening, I often seem to find myself in the most intensely beautiful and unique experiences. Of course, It has also led to extremely uncomfortable, stressful and occasionally scary situations. For me, these contrasting moments serve as an opportunity to train my ability to be present and embrace challenges that arise in my life. In a sense, hitching for me is a meditation, a practice of welcoming both the painful and the wonderful.
And so, my journey to Italy was just this, a meditation. I crossed paths with many kind strangers and magnificent landscapes as I moved away from the rains of the Netherlands, through the forests of Germany, over the mountains of Switzerland, and finally found myself in the hot glow of Sicily.
I am staying at Palazzo Butera for the month of October. I have been here for 7 days now, and in this time I have explored(some) of the city, and been equally overwhelmed and excited by the lively nature of the city. The palace feels like a sanctuary amongst the volume of Palermo.
I came to Palazzo Butera without a specific goal and outcome in mind, instead choosing to allow my research to emerge, guided by my experiences and connections. Since arriving a week ago, I have been observing and documenting the space and the lives the palace holds, mainly through writing, drawing and painting. I have also been experimenting with ways of visualising my journey to Italy, developing ways of storytelling that share multiple story lines at once. I find it interesting to try to combine the stories of both the journey and of the destination into one form. It feels very special to be in such a lively environment, surrounded by a vast array of art works. I'm curious to see how my work develops over the following weeks.
monday 12th february 2024
6* no rain
0749
library opens in 10. The sun is rising. Think there is a new person sleeping under the bridge Haven’t spoken to them yet . Think they r asleep . I also don’t want to annoy them .
I’m curious to see if others wait for library to open .
I’m wearing my usual uniform.
Different socks
A man who has a motorbike helmet is waiting outside.
He was also here yesturday at opening time
The natural world of Amsterdam is louder at this time
07:58 more people are here waiting.
Maybe 5.
2 stand by the entrance,
and a few people are wandering round it
The street lights just turned off
07:59 doors open.
Library smells different when it first opens. Kinda bad
just returned from walk to the station. i walked with head phones. i smiled leaving the library. the moon surpsied me. a cresent in the sky. some how i can see the light of the rest of the circle. A soft song was playing, I hummed as I walked.
I’ve returned to the library to write this. it’s quiet, but still a few people here. I like that it’s open until 2200.
How am I feeling? I feel a bit lost, but I noticed how walking and listening to music helped me feel more settled. more at peace with this obscure position I am in. I’m thinking more and more about being houseless here. If i would do it, how I would do it. WHat it would feel like. Mediamatic does not feel like home at all, it is a place I sleep. A place for function. I find home in the library, in the company of strangers. Some how. Maybe that is strange.
17 feb 2024
3am ish
i woke up. its dark outside. outsdie the window i hear the distant sounds of 50 cent in da club playing on a speaker. i look out subtly so not to be seen. theres a guy standing near ish my bike.
he’s gagging. very louldy. he stops and looks aorund some times then begins the gagging again. he walks forward to by the white container in the mediamatic garden and continues to gag. louder than ever. hes confident with those gags.. must be uncomfroabtle. i think hes drunk. 50 cent is still playing as he wanders off gagging into the night.
10/2/24
9/2/24
i think my bike will get stollen so i take pictures of it sometimes.
18jan2024 (day 2)
0005
About an hour ago i went outside to give Sami a cup of tea. When i arrived to his spot, he was under his blankets and i could not see his face. I presume he was sleeping. Of course i did not want to disturb him. I hope he was having a cool dream. I remembered another person’s nest I had seen earlier that day, just along from Sami’s. I visited them, and they also seemed to be asleep.
I walked a long with the warm cup of tea keeping my hands a nice temperature. it is -3•c. The moon is beauitful tonght. Cresent shining through the clouds. I wonder what people without a house do when its snowing. I remember how difficult it was to dry things when I slept in the snow, I was lucky I had the radiators at my university to dry my sleeping bag on.
I walked along the river towards the station. I visited the station earlier in the day in the afternoon. I wanted to see what it’s like at night. Someone who was sat outside the station this afternoon was in the same place this evening. Sami does the same, his nest was there all day, so I presume he can just leave it there when he goes on walks.
The station was not very busy. There are a few people sitting on the seats there who don’t look like they are waiting for a train. I saw a man who looked very cold sitting wrapped in his sleeping bag. I asked if he’d like a warm drink. He declined and said he already has one but thank you.
I was reminded tonight that “homeless” people, are of course just people. I find the word “homeless” so weighted that it distracts me into generalisations and a sense of pitying. Some people do not have a house, for whatever reason. Some people live outside. That is what is happening.I am not here to “solve” or “fix” or “help”. I am simply here to listen, to look at what is happening. I think if i was to continue on this project a development of different language to discuss these topics is neccesary.
Conversation with Train Station Security Guard:
“I was wondering what is your policy on homeless people in the station?”
“the station is closed from 1am to 5am, so everyone has to leave then”
“but what about during the day? are people welcome to stay here?”
“yes of course. during the day it is fine. There are also shelters for people in Amsterdam, but they are closed now. Check in is open from 3-4pm. Are you asking for yourself?”
“yes” (I thought he meant am I asking for my own curiousity or for publishing )
“well if you want a tip, buy the cheapest ticket and then go through the gates. This tunnel here stays open all night”
“thank you very much. that is good to know”
he was very kind. I suppose its useful looking a bit rough. My hair is frizzy and my clothes are baggy. I also think it means I am potentially more approachable for different types of people.
I felt safe in the station. There is a lot of secuitry there. Is that what makes me feel safe ? There’s always random very loud shouty people. I think its the unpredicatable people that people are threatened by. And that’s the generlisation people make that all homeless people are crazy wakkos who are incomprehensible and dangerous. But of course thats far from the truth. All unique, and all just people. “Homeless” is not a catergory of character.
As I walked back from the station I noticed someone next to me carrying a bin bag. I could tell he was searching for a good spot to sleep. There’s a lot of street lights around here. But also some areas infront of big buildings ( like the booking.com one) that are not well lit. I wonder how active the police are with moving people along when sleeping in public places in amsterdam. public sleep. where can we sleep in the city?
There are these grates on top of the metro that release hot air. I stood ontop of it enjoying it. It’s a very well lit and public area, so I suppose that removes any potential desire to sleep there.
I returned to Mediamatic. I strolled round to check on the green houses. No inhabitants. Maybe the lock will finally block all potential sleepy people. The one with teddy bears in has hosted sleepers before. Each time it gets broken into, it gets a bigger and bettter locking system. fighting chaos with force! hmmmmmmmm............
As I walked round to the green houses a Police car drove very slowly passed me. And on my walk back it drove past again. I wondered if they’d ask me questions. I’m looking exra “homeless” tonight it seems, but no questions where asked. Good to know they patrol these areas. I wonder what they are looking for.
Now i will go to sleep inside this building. It is warm, and the bed is comfortable. happy to be sleeping here.
0005
About an hour ago i went outside to give Sami a cup of tea. When i arrived to his spot, he was under his blankets and i could not see his face. I presume he was sleeping. Of course i did not want to disturb him. I hope he was having a cool dream. I remembered another person’s nest I had seen earlier that day, just along from Sami’s. I visited them, and they also seemed to be asleep.
I walked a long with the warm cup of tea keeping my hands a nice temperature. it is -3•c. The moon is beauitful tonght. Cresent shining through the clouds. I wonder what people without a house do when its snowing. I remember how difficult it was to dry things when I slept in the snow, I was lucky I had the radiators at my university to dry my sleeping bag on.
I walked along the river towards the station. I visited the station earlier in the day in the afternoon. I wanted to see what it’s like at night. Someone who was sat outside the station this afternoon was in the same place this evening. Sami does the same, his nest was there all day, so I presume he can just leave it there when he goes on walks.
The station was not very busy. There are a few people sitting on the seats there who don’t look like they are waiting for a train. I saw a man who looked very cold sitting wrapped in his sleeping bag. I asked if he’d like a warm drink. He declined and said he already has one but thank you.
I was reminded tonight that “homeless” people, are of course just people. I find the word “homeless” so weighted that it distracts me into generalisations and a sense of pitying. Some people do not have a house, for whatever reason. Some people live outside. That is what is happening.I am not here to “solve” or “fix” or “help”. I am simply here to listen, to look at what is happening. I think if i was to continue on this project a development of different language to discuss these topics is neccesary.
Conversation with Train Station Security Guard:
“I was wondering what is your policy on homeless people in the station?”
“the station is closed from 1am to 5am, so everyone has to leave then”
“but what about during the day? are people welcome to stay here?”
“yes of course. during the day it is fine. There are also shelters for people in Amsterdam, but they are closed now. Check in is open from 3-4pm. Are you asking for yourself?”
“yes” (I thought he meant am I asking for my own curiousity or for publishing )
“well if you want a tip, buy the cheapest ticket and then go through the gates. This tunnel here stays open all night”
“thank you very much. that is good to know”
he was very kind. I suppose its useful looking a bit rough. My hair is frizzy and my clothes are baggy. I also think it means I am potentially more approachable for different types of people.
I felt safe in the station. There is a lot of secuitry there. Is that what makes me feel safe ? There’s always random very loud shouty people. I think its the unpredicatable people that people are threatened by. And that’s the generlisation people make that all homeless people are crazy wakkos who are incomprehensible and dangerous. But of course thats far from the truth. All unique, and all just people. “Homeless” is not a catergory of character.
As I walked back from the station I noticed someone next to me carrying a bin bag. I could tell he was searching for a good spot to sleep. There’s a lot of street lights around here. But also some areas infront of big buildings ( like the booking.com one) that are not well lit. I wonder how active the police are with moving people along when sleeping in public places in amsterdam. public sleep. where can we sleep in the city?
There are these grates on top of the metro that release hot air. I stood ontop of it enjoying it. It’s a very well lit and public area, so I suppose that removes any potential desire to sleep there.
I returned to Mediamatic. I strolled round to check on the green houses. No inhabitants. Maybe the lock will finally block all potential sleepy people. The one with teddy bears in has hosted sleepers before. Each time it gets broken into, it gets a bigger and bettter locking system. fighting chaos with force! hmmmmmmmm............
As I walked round to the green houses a Police car drove very slowly passed me. And on my walk back it drove past again. I wondered if they’d ask me questions. I’m looking exra “homeless” tonight it seems, but no questions where asked. Good to know they patrol these areas. I wonder what they are looking for.
Now i will go to sleep inside this building. It is warm, and the bed is comfortable. happy to be sleeping here.
0807
i woke at 6am and brought a cup of tea to Samir. (his name is Samir , not Sami. I miss heared yesturday)i made mint tea. I went and sat with him next to his nest. I gave him the tea and he quickly started talking. He was much more lively than when I met him yesturday. He rememerbed me. We spoke for about an hour. Sometimes I did not understand what he was saying. He speaks with a lot of passion, big gestures. He’s a story teller. He often comes back to the story of how in the Netherlands, he thinks people only look out for themselves. Only want to help themselves. How people judge him because he lives on the street. He shared that he used to have a wife, and has two children. He spoke of his big house and big mercedes. It was not always clear what he was saying but I listened closely. I wanted to understand. He spoke about smoking crack, he seems at peace with the fact he does it, but he acknowledge it as a problem. i asked if he had a house if he would still smoke, he was not clear in his answer, but suggested that he started when he lived on the street. He feels like his life is over now he is in the Netherlands. He has siblings in London.As we spoke, or he spoke and i listened, my feet started to get very cold. i had not anticipated such a long exchange.
The police drove by us at some point. Very slowly. They did not say anthing. I saw them last night too. They must do patrols every morning and night. I’m curious to know what they are looking for. I’ll ask them next time.
I asked if Samir ever wrote his stories down. He smiled and said he has not, but he often thinks about doing it.
i offered to make him some some porridge. he smiled and said he would like that. I had already walked away when i remembered to retrieve the bowl i had given the food in yesturday. As i walked back over to him i saw the pipe was out. he gave the plastic container and i came inside to the warm and cooked the oats. i gave it to him, with a big spoon today i found in the kitchen, and wished him a good day. I explained that i am leaving Amsterdam tomorrow. He thanked me. i thanked him for the conversation. he seemed chilled out after smoking. i had some how forgotten the obvious link between houselessness and drugs. i wonder if it feels warmer than a cup of tea.
1320
im just reading now that there are several free shelters around Amsterdam, and for the winter shelter scheme you can check in between 2pm and 10pm. I’m wondering what makes people not want to stay in these places. Of course some prefer to sleep outside and have more privacy. Just a lot of the time people don’t look happy with their circumstances, so I wonder why they don’t go. Samir said he tried to go to a shelter once but it was full.
I was talking with Marcel earlier, the communications managers of MM, he used to work as a psychologist. He said people who are addicted are extremely difficult to help due to their unreliability. He said some people just can’t change. I wonder if Samir’s drug dependency has anything to do with him not seeking to stay in a shelter.There are places for people, warm places. Like the library for example, like the station. I suppose all these places have rules, and if you would prefer to not follow them then I can undertand you prefering to stay outside. But then I wonder why stay in the city in the first place. Is it not possible to leave? Go somewhere less busy, less cold, with more opportunities? I’m sure this is extremely naive of me to say, but It often crosses my mind. Why stay?
1709
i walked to the library, tried to connect to the interenet there but turns out you need to have internet to connect to the internet there... not the most accessible.
I cotinued on and arrived at the train station. There I saw a man selling those street magazines. I approached him smiling and asked what the magazine is. “its a street mag, like the Times but based on the street”. Ian is from England. I didn’t have enough change to buy the magazine, so I went to get some from Albert Heijn. I offered Ian and drink and he asked for a hot chocoalte. I returned with the €2.50 and the drink. We stood together talking for about 10. minutes. He sells the street papers everyday. he said its a bit like being self employed. For every maagine sold he gets something like €1.50.
He spoke about his life. He spoke of training in the army and firing missiles and all that. I was a bit surprised to say the least as he spoke about such desturction with a smile on his face. His teeth where quite damaged, the front ones not there. He said he spends about 3 hours on the internet a day, he has an online market shop where he sells postcards of pictures he finds on the internet. He studied some computer course in Plimouth in the UK. He seems very politically active online.
He’s lived in Amsterdam for 20 years. He said his life is very peaceful now.At one point the topic of family came up.
“ the best person you can ever have in your life is your mum or your dad” . It brought a big smile to my face after all the discussions of machine gunning Afganistan. He did not specifically mention that he is “homeless”. I presume though that the people selling these magazines are also on the streets. To be confirmed. He said he’s there everyday. he thanked me for the hot chocoalte, we shook hands and said goodbye.
I walked back under the station and along the back river ( the one without the fancy shops). I saw the same guy who I’d seen everyday since being here sitting in the same spot. I am still yet to talk to him. His head is always down and I don’t want to disturb him.
Back near Mediamatic I noticed Samir’s trolly was gone. I walked over to find he was not there. That’s the first time I’ve seen him not be there since arriving also. He left the cardboard sturcture, as well as his pillows. The blankets he took with him.
17jan2024 (day 1)
0733
i just met sami under the bridge by MM. hes from romania and lived in the netherland for two months. he came here looking for a job, after a recomendation from a friend. When he he arrrived his friend was no longer responding to his calls. He doesnt have a job, and i guess cant afford to pay rent. he is kind. i sat with him and we drank tea. hes not overly chatty. we shared silence also.
At some point during our conversation, a scary man walked through the tunnel. he was shouting to himself loudly, behaving very unpredicatbly. i felt scared. i wondered if i should run away as he was approaching. i felt comforted by sami being there with me. he seemed calm which made me calm. The shouting man ignored us. Sami gave me a big smile after the man had walked away from us. sami made me feel safer. i asked sami if he ever feels scared, and he said he does get scared around that guy. he seems to be familiar with him.
Sami built his bed inbetween the bike racks. a piece of cardboard either side of him resting against the bike rack. it made a kind of wall that i imagine blocks the wind. there was a piece of cardboard under him, along with several layers of blankets that he was lying under. he had a shopping trolley next to him filled with what i presume to be his belongings.
i asked what he will do today, he said he will do nothing. he said he walks around. I asked if he has friends or family. his family are in romania and he doesnt call them, but i think thats because he cant. i persume that anyway. he said he has friends here.
he asked if i was working. i said id just finished studying. i said i was an artist. he asked this after telling me about how he used to work in construction and can’t get a job here. i felt confused in myself for a while. ive just finished school and am stressed about what i want to do, what “career” i want. and sammy would just like any job.
I dont want to feel pitty though. i am no better than sammy. Am i luckier than sammy? well im sitting in a warm room right now typing on a laptop, i can have whatever i need. he finds ways to meet his needs, but he is not happy with his circumstances. he doesnt like that he has to sleep where he sleeps. I asked about if there are any buildings he can go to , like shelters. he said he tried once, but they are all full, so he just sleeps there. i asked if the noise bothers him, he said i does.
Before i had met him, i was walking around the area. it was about 6:30. i was looking around, looking for maybe traces of people, but then started taking photos of potential sleeping spots i would use if i was wanting to sleep outside. theres a lot of miscellaneous objets around that could form as a shelter. but i think sammy has the right idea with the bridge. but at the same time, he is very visible. i didn’t ask if the police ever move him along. i wanted to talk about things other than the fact sami sleeps outside. but i struggled to bring up the topic of what do you enjoy. because that layer of experience ( i am presuming all these things) but sami has bigger prioritise than what he enjoys or finds fun.
theres a big container opposite my window. its amongst the bushes. i thought that area would be a good place to sleep. its very dark and hidden. sheltered by the trees. i just saw a youngish man coming out from behind the gate in front of the container. i wonder if he was sleeping there. he had a small backpack on and a track suit. it doesnt seem like its big enough to be carrying sleeping gear. maybe he leaves his sleeping stuff there? or maybe he was doing other things.
anyway i was walking around the area taking pictures, i came to the bridge. i saw samis bed he’d built, i chose to walk the other side of the bridge to sus out the situation. i felt nervous of who he could potentially be. i walked through the bridge, up to the train tracks and back down the stairs. i wondered if anyone ever tries to sleep in the elevator, thats probs what i would do. however its really exposed. i thought the glass design was a style choice, but actually i think its probably to avoid any hidden activity going on in there. exposed !
i walked back under the bridge where sami was. i saw he was awake, and i said good morning , continued walking. then turned back and asked if he was cold. and asked if he would like some tea. it took a few rephrasing to understand each other but i saw a nod so i returned to the building i slept in and tried to scramble something together for him. I made porridge. it was annoying, im in a kitchen that is not mine and there aren’t any non fancy bowls or cups. i found a little plastic tub that i put the porridge in. it felt a bit rubbish putting it in that. i would have much preferred to give him a real bowl, but i worried at the same time of braking it or not getting it back as its not my bowl. anyway, i put some sugar in a pot, and some raisons. i brought boiled water in a little kettle, and two cups. two packets of tea and instant coffee. i didn’t know what he liked. i returned outside again with my little kit. ah yes, we also didn't have any spoons so i had to give him a tiny metal one.
so i went and returned to sammy. i quickly felt very comfortable and safe with him. he is a kind person. he speaks english but doesn't always understand what i say. i offered him porridge, and asked if he wanted raisons and sugar, he said yes. tea or coffee, he said tea. i sat at the end of his bed ( on the concrete not on the bed itself ) and we drank the tea. we chatted as we drank. he seems a peaceful person. at one point it came up the topic of the Netherlands , of the people here. he expressed how he feels they don’t have belief. “90 percent here have no belief “ only here for what is mine . mine not yours. as he spoke i could see he was hurting. i dont know how you can comprehend being in that position of having no where to sleep, whilst so many around you have so much more than they need.
he doesn't seem angry. he also wasn't desperate for things. i offered him a banana he said no thank you, and i suggested i could bring him some ear plugs but he also said no its ok. we sat together for maybe 15 / 20 mins. he finished his tea, and i didn't’ want to irritate him with my presence, so i thought i will leave. he hadn't eaten the porridge. i think he was wanting to finish the tea so he could return the glass mug. i felt happy with him, i wish i could have talked about other things other than the fact he doesn’t have a house. more positive things . as i left he said thank you several times, i said its nothing really, and you are welcome. as i walked away from him i felt the urge to cry. its painful to know he is living in this way, ah but i don’t want to pity him. but the whole situation is just fucked up, and i don’t understand why its happening. he’s such a kind person that is just like everyone else but he’s just rejected. why is he not welcome. where does sami find comfrot. where does sammy find joy. i guess we all struggle to find these things, but at least we have the luxury of searching for that with acceptance from society. and a warm place to sleep. belonging.
i have the keys to a big building , a big warm building., and sami is sitting outside. why is that? why dont i invite him in? because we are afraid that he is not to be trusted, that he will take, that he will ruin what we already have. ahh god . i feel sad that he has to go through this day, staying outside, just being rejected. i am putting my presumptions on to him. i am projecting my idea of pain on to him. its a fucking shit situation, so its okay i am sad about it.
there was a cigarette butt sitting at the end of his blankets. i wondered if i should remove it, but then i thought maybe its his. i wonder if someone dropped it there as they walked past, or maybe its just stuck to the blankets.
oh this is heavy on the head. he had a hat on. it was yellow. on the front on the fore head there was embroidered two line drawings of closed eye lids with eye lashes. the tunnel is bright, there are the sounds of the trains all night, and the sounds of the performance thing thats in there. bright lights, loud sounds, freezing temperatures. not conducive to a good nights sleep.
hot water bottle. somehow feels like he wouldn’t want me to be giving him so much direct help.. why do i think that? well it would be nice if he felt empowered and was able to give himself what he needs. okay, thats the individualism in you talking. what do you know? he can always say no if he doesn’t want what you are giving him. its weird to think he was there all night just opposite my window .there was some really loud screaming, and bangs . he must have been frightened.
0733
i just met sami under the bridge by MM. hes from romania and lived in the netherland for two months. he came here looking for a job, after a recomendation from a friend. When he he arrrived his friend was no longer responding to his calls. He doesnt have a job, and i guess cant afford to pay rent. he is kind. i sat with him and we drank tea. hes not overly chatty. we shared silence also.
At some point during our conversation, a scary man walked through the tunnel. he was shouting to himself loudly, behaving very unpredicatbly. i felt scared. i wondered if i should run away as he was approaching. i felt comforted by sami being there with me. he seemed calm which made me calm. The shouting man ignored us. Sami gave me a big smile after the man had walked away from us. sami made me feel safer. i asked sami if he ever feels scared, and he said he does get scared around that guy. he seems to be familiar with him.
Sami built his bed inbetween the bike racks. a piece of cardboard either side of him resting against the bike rack. it made a kind of wall that i imagine blocks the wind. there was a piece of cardboard under him, along with several layers of blankets that he was lying under. he had a shopping trolley next to him filled with what i presume to be his belongings.
i asked what he will do today, he said he will do nothing. he said he walks around. I asked if he has friends or family. his family are in romania and he doesnt call them, but i think thats because he cant. i persume that anyway. he said he has friends here.
he asked if i was working. i said id just finished studying. i said i was an artist. he asked this after telling me about how he used to work in construction and can’t get a job here. i felt confused in myself for a while. ive just finished school and am stressed about what i want to do, what “career” i want. and sammy would just like any job.
I dont want to feel pitty though. i am no better than sammy. Am i luckier than sammy? well im sitting in a warm room right now typing on a laptop, i can have whatever i need. he finds ways to meet his needs, but he is not happy with his circumstances. he doesnt like that he has to sleep where he sleeps. I asked about if there are any buildings he can go to , like shelters. he said he tried once, but they are all full, so he just sleeps there. i asked if the noise bothers him, he said i does.
Before i had met him, i was walking around the area. it was about 6:30. i was looking around, looking for maybe traces of people, but then started taking photos of potential sleeping spots i would use if i was wanting to sleep outside. theres a lot of miscellaneous objets around that could form as a shelter. but i think sammy has the right idea with the bridge. but at the same time, he is very visible. i didn’t ask if the police ever move him along. i wanted to talk about things other than the fact sami sleeps outside. but i struggled to bring up the topic of what do you enjoy. because that layer of experience ( i am presuming all these things) but sami has bigger prioritise than what he enjoys or finds fun.
theres a big container opposite my window. its amongst the bushes. i thought that area would be a good place to sleep. its very dark and hidden. sheltered by the trees. i just saw a youngish man coming out from behind the gate in front of the container. i wonder if he was sleeping there. he had a small backpack on and a track suit. it doesnt seem like its big enough to be carrying sleeping gear. maybe he leaves his sleeping stuff there? or maybe he was doing other things.
anyway i was walking around the area taking pictures, i came to the bridge. i saw samis bed he’d built, i chose to walk the other side of the bridge to sus out the situation. i felt nervous of who he could potentially be. i walked through the bridge, up to the train tracks and back down the stairs. i wondered if anyone ever tries to sleep in the elevator, thats probs what i would do. however its really exposed. i thought the glass design was a style choice, but actually i think its probably to avoid any hidden activity going on in there. exposed !
i walked back under the bridge where sami was. i saw he was awake, and i said good morning , continued walking. then turned back and asked if he was cold. and asked if he would like some tea. it took a few rephrasing to understand each other but i saw a nod so i returned to the building i slept in and tried to scramble something together for him. I made porridge. it was annoying, im in a kitchen that is not mine and there aren’t any non fancy bowls or cups. i found a little plastic tub that i put the porridge in. it felt a bit rubbish putting it in that. i would have much preferred to give him a real bowl, but i worried at the same time of braking it or not getting it back as its not my bowl. anyway, i put some sugar in a pot, and some raisons. i brought boiled water in a little kettle, and two cups. two packets of tea and instant coffee. i didn’t know what he liked. i returned outside again with my little kit. ah yes, we also didn't have any spoons so i had to give him a tiny metal one.
so i went and returned to sammy. i quickly felt very comfortable and safe with him. he is a kind person. he speaks english but doesn't always understand what i say. i offered him porridge, and asked if he wanted raisons and sugar, he said yes. tea or coffee, he said tea. i sat at the end of his bed ( on the concrete not on the bed itself ) and we drank the tea. we chatted as we drank. he seems a peaceful person. at one point it came up the topic of the Netherlands , of the people here. he expressed how he feels they don’t have belief. “90 percent here have no belief “ only here for what is mine . mine not yours. as he spoke i could see he was hurting. i dont know how you can comprehend being in that position of having no where to sleep, whilst so many around you have so much more than they need.
he doesn't seem angry. he also wasn't desperate for things. i offered him a banana he said no thank you, and i suggested i could bring him some ear plugs but he also said no its ok. we sat together for maybe 15 / 20 mins. he finished his tea, and i didn't’ want to irritate him with my presence, so i thought i will leave. he hadn't eaten the porridge. i think he was wanting to finish the tea so he could return the glass mug. i felt happy with him, i wish i could have talked about other things other than the fact he doesn’t have a house. more positive things . as i left he said thank you several times, i said its nothing really, and you are welcome. as i walked away from him i felt the urge to cry. its painful to know he is living in this way, ah but i don’t want to pity him. but the whole situation is just fucked up, and i don’t understand why its happening. he’s such a kind person that is just like everyone else but he’s just rejected. why is he not welcome. where does sami find comfrot. where does sammy find joy. i guess we all struggle to find these things, but at least we have the luxury of searching for that with acceptance from society. and a warm place to sleep. belonging.
i have the keys to a big building , a big warm building., and sami is sitting outside. why is that? why dont i invite him in? because we are afraid that he is not to be trusted, that he will take, that he will ruin what we already have. ahh god . i feel sad that he has to go through this day, staying outside, just being rejected. i am putting my presumptions on to him. i am projecting my idea of pain on to him. its a fucking shit situation, so its okay i am sad about it.
there was a cigarette butt sitting at the end of his blankets. i wondered if i should remove it, but then i thought maybe its his. i wonder if someone dropped it there as they walked past, or maybe its just stuck to the blankets.
oh this is heavy on the head. he had a hat on. it was yellow. on the front on the fore head there was embroidered two line drawings of closed eye lids with eye lashes. the tunnel is bright, there are the sounds of the trains all night, and the sounds of the performance thing thats in there. bright lights, loud sounds, freezing temperatures. not conducive to a good nights sleep.
hot water bottle. somehow feels like he wouldn’t want me to be giving him so much direct help.. why do i think that? well it would be nice if he felt empowered and was able to give himself what he needs. okay, thats the individualism in you talking. what do you know? he can always say no if he doesn’t want what you are giving him. its weird to think he was there all night just opposite my window .there was some really loud screaming, and bangs . he must have been frightened.
0903
the city has woken up now. i am inside and i just had breakfast. sami keeps coming into my mind. the problem of homelessness is so massive and complex, which is intimidating. but i guess when dealing with complex things all we can do is start small. work within our area, in our homes, in our communities, in our days. we are not here to solve this, but maybe we can get a better idea of it by engaging. through observation, compassion and awareness, change is born.
1122
just went on a walk around the area. Sami is still there, he was asleep. i saw another sleeping set up by the river but the owner was not there. There was another sleeping bag covered in snow hanging on a bike rack by Mediamatic. I wonder who the owner of that is. It must be terrible to dry things without access to inside. Even when i was without a house, i always had access to buildings. my appearance and character mean i a still accepted into general society, so i can stroll around a super market for an hour and no one minds, but i think if someone else did that they can get kicked out. I had school to dry my clothes, what does sami do?
its very cold outside.
1607
i went on a walk after lunch, got a bit of a not sure what to do feeling. and im pairing that with the expectation to produce. Never a good combo. As i walked i felt sad. Sad about the state of the situation, this sadness that people suffer, or that the world just doesnt make sense or act kindly. Wondering if i can handle working on such topics. I notice i was trying to find answers, trying too hard. i called Julija whilst walking around Albert Heijn using their wifi. She reminded me that i am here just to experience what is happening.There is no need for specifc outcome or purpose. She said to watch out for when im feeling other peoples emotions; when they are passing through me.
I walked around the station. I was kinda looking for people, or traces of people, who are using the station for not its designened purpose. there was a guy sitting right out it, huddled up. i wondered why he was not sitting inside. Atleast it’s warm there. i wondered if hed ben kicked out. He had a kind old face.
Im sitting in the public library thats next to MM. Its nice. Ive seen a few houseless people. I can tell when people have a lot of bags and dont particuarly do anything. It sems there are all different kinds of people here. Its big and warm. I wonder if sami comes here.
2234
i just woke up. it all got a bit intense this afternoon. with being here at mediamatic, i am noticing i feel an obligation to produce, which is hindering my oberservation process, but i guess this is part of the observation. I got really overwhelmed this afternoon, to think about the topic of homelessness and to be so focussed on it really made me very sad, i felt this feeeling of powerlessness, and “who am i to be doing this”, but thats the nature of working on complex ubjects, and i think this sadness is a stage in looking at complexity. if i am to do a project on this, which i am interested in, i am going to need to find ways to detach from the theme, and to take breaks i guess, mental breaks. find outlets to manage the stress i seem to be collecting. it reminds me of the stress i had when i was living without a house for some reason. maybe the stress of expectation. meeting others expectations. its okay. but i felt sad tonight, and fell asleep at weirdly early hour in my clothes.
I sat in the public library that is just down the road from media matic. I sat in the cafe section writing and eating nked bars. it was clear people without a house where also using this space. it seemed they where welcome. I asked the secuirty guard as i was leaving what is their experience with homeless people. They said everyone is welcome to the library. And yes they have some regular homeless people. Sometimes if they get complaints of smell or disturbance they ask them to leave, or if they are sleeping they get a warning. He said they are lenient, but if people dont listen to the warning they get the gemente involved and ban the person for a year. He said most of the homeless people that come are nice and cause no problems. He spoke about them kindly, giving compassion to their situation.
Public Library Opening Hours
i think something that went wrong today was i was generalising. using the word “homeless” gives some immediate weight and leads me to stereotypes. but they are all just people, and all unique in their experience, their reasoning for living this way. In a way ive been judging it , seeing it as a bad way to live. And yes it does hurt to see people wanting to live in a house not being able to, but this state of living in discomfort and wanting is not unique to those who are unhoused. I think going forward i need to just rememeber these are individuals, i am not working with ideas, i am working with reality. and i dont need to have answers or outcomes or anything. just observing the dynamics at play.
i just woke up. it all got a bit intense this afternoon. with being here at mediamatic, i am noticing i feel an obligation to produce, which is hindering my oberservation process, but i guess this is part of the observation. I got really overwhelmed this afternoon, to think about the topic of homelessness and to be so focussed on it really made me very sad, i felt this feeeling of powerlessness, and “who am i to be doing this”, but thats the nature of working on complex ubjects, and i think this sadness is a stage in looking at complexity. if i am to do a project on this, which i am interested in, i am going to need to find ways to detach from the theme, and to take breaks i guess, mental breaks. find outlets to manage the stress i seem to be collecting. it reminds me of the stress i had when i was living without a house for some reason. maybe the stress of expectation. meeting others expectations. its okay. but i felt sad tonight, and fell asleep at weirdly early hour in my clothes.
I sat in the public library that is just down the road from media matic. I sat in the cafe section writing and eating nked bars. it was clear people without a house where also using this space. it seemed they where welcome. I asked the secuirty guard as i was leaving what is their experience with homeless people. They said everyone is welcome to the library. And yes they have some regular homeless people. Sometimes if they get complaints of smell or disturbance they ask them to leave, or if they are sleeping they get a warning. He said they are lenient, but if people dont listen to the warning they get the gemente involved and ban the person for a year. He said most of the homeless people that come are nice and cause no problems. He spoke about them kindly, giving compassion to their situation.
Public Library Opening Hours
i think something that went wrong today was i was generalising. using the word “homeless” gives some immediate weight and leads me to stereotypes. but they are all just people, and all unique in their experience, their reasoning for living this way. In a way ive been judging it , seeing it as a bad way to live. And yes it does hurt to see people wanting to live in a house not being able to, but this state of living in discomfort and wanting is not unique to those who are unhoused. I think going forward i need to just rememeber these are individuals, i am not working with ideas, i am working with reality. and i dont need to have answers or outcomes or anything. just observing the dynamics at play.